As this is my second blog post for this series I would like to begin by saying that I am angry. My passion are the injustices between human beings and I am so personally here for this subject. To begin, for as a wise women once said:

“Abusive men/women pave an easy path for those who are lazy to have relationships.”

Meaning, I hear often from gals in my life with subpar boyfriends that “at least he doesn’t hit me”. Because in all reality someone who sucks the life out of you and drains you to your very core SEEMS much better than being with someone who physically abuses you. Women’s fear of being assaulted while dating allows people with manipulative/guilting/toxic tendency’s (who do not leave visible scars to their victims) to weasel their way into “loving” relationships.

Mental abuse is still abuse. Yet it can almost never be “textbook” when each case is different in itself. Manipulation has a likeness of love and disguises itself as a “healthy amount of protection”, when in reality it is the farthest thing from anything well and good. Both physically and mentally abusive relations happen to both men and women and it’s prominence in society is an issue, I as a Feminist feel strongly for.

Having been in a manipulating, guilting, & mentally abusive relationship with someone for a couple of years I want to share my experience. I hope to help prevent someone from falling for things perceived as “love” and encourage the loss of connection with any abusive person one may have in their life. So I have decided to make a blog post a bit different from the normality called:

6 Not Talked About Signs Of A Mentally Abusive Relationship

Please read with an open mind as each may not apply to every abusive relationship or may tweak to each situation. Also, please note that I know nothing about a loved one is black & white, only many confusing grey areas. If you ever have any questions I am always open to talk or listen.

Disclaimer: This advice is not solely based off of my own experiences but also research and interviews I have had with other individuals.

1. OVERUSE OF THE WORD “SORRY” FOR SOMETHING DONE OVER & OVER

Saying sorry when in a relationship is NOT a bad thing! It promotes communication and a special kind of humbleness that manifests a healthy kind of connection between any two people. But, the the use of the word sorry (no matter how meaningful in the situation) can become MEANINGLESS when the offender continues their actions on a continuous basis with no sign of change. Now, of course nobody is perfect and anyone can make mistakes, but if the mistake of your significant other causes you to become a victim, sorry, just isn’t going to cut it. In the mind of someone on the abused side of the toxicity there seems to never be an end of the line, where constantly you may try your best to forgive and forget but soon feel trapped in the cycle of forced forgiveness in hopes it won’t happen again. If you as a reader relate to this first point it is important to remember that an endless line of forgiveness allows your abuser to take advantage of your generosity. They may think “well if he/she can forgive me for this over and over I’m sure I can get away with a little bit more”. Your S/O may not see themselves or what they are doing to mentally harm you. They may have a heart of gold but despite this, any continuance to hurt or manipulate you whether you feel they do it purposefully or not is enough grounds to cut off the relationship on the spot. Please always communicate with the person you love to gain understanding and then address the situation from there.

2. THE EASILY MISSED “PITY PARTY”

Have you ever heard the phrase,

“I am just the worst boyfriend/girlfriend and I don’t deserve to be with you! You should just breakup with me!“

…after they have made a forgivable or even a not so forgivable mistake? Talking with my therapist I brought up this point and she relayed to me that it is a tactic used by manipulating people (purposefully or often without meaning to) meant to take the justification away from you when you have every right to be upset, mad, and/or sad. Because now suddenly their sadness and guilt for what they have done to you overpowers your feelings for their mistake. Now the tables have turned and instead you are stuck reassuring them that:

No, they are not the worst boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend in the world.
No, you are not going to leave them.
No, you don’t hate them, ect.

Suddenly it’s not about your feelings that need to be addressed and discussed, but it becomes all about your S/O’s problem and how they “cannot deal with what they have done”. If your partner feels ashamed and sad for their actions that is normal, but there needs to be a level of equality where both peoples perspective and emotions on a subject can be talked about instead of one person overpowering another. When your partner has a “Pity Party” after you confront them with why you are upset, you as a caring and loving person in the relationship feel as if it is your duty to come out of your anger or sadness and HELP the person you love. This is a normal reaction but not a healthy situation because now you have to ignore your negative emotions to coddle your ever crumbling S/O. Nothing ever gets solved this way, and you will be stuck in this cycle forever unless you take steps to distance yourself, which brings me to point number 3.

3. YOUR S/O CROSSES LINES TO PROVE THEIR WORTH OR CONFRONT YOU WITH AN APOLOGY

Everyone loves a good, romantic gesture. Some flowers and a whimsical serenading can get you right in the feels. But, media has shown an unhealthy pursuance of a person and have normalized it. Your S/O in a prosperous relationship should want to apologize to you and make up. It is great communication skill and will strengthen the connection in the long run. BUT that being said you have a right to DISTANCE and having independent time with your own feelings & emotions. If someone is pressing their apology onto you like a confrontation that is a big NO NO! Movies show (boys in particular) coming to their loved one’s house in the middle of the night, tracking where their girlfriend might be (ex. her favourite coffee shop) in order to surprise her with flowers and a heartfelt apology, and even going into their rooms while they aren’t there to set up roses and candles and the girl is expected to just melt with forgiveness. “HE MUST TRULY LOVE ME TO GO TO ALL THESE LENGTHS”. Now that may be true but it is not the kind of love you want in your relationship. To be quite honest it is borderline STALKING. Thats right, stalking. Especially if you are mad and have communicated that you wish to not see them. Red flag number one is that they are going against your wishes, and red flag number two is the fact that they think their guilt allows them the right to invade your privacy.

4. SEXUAL ASSAULT WHILE IN A LOVING RELATIONSHIP

Tricky subject; one of the most important. We as a society all wish there could be no such thing as sexual violations in relationships but it’s evident in everything from child marriages to possibly the one you are in right now. It is labelled as abusive because it is about the manipulation of the mind.

“If what just happened to me was done by someone I love why do I feel so badly about it?”
“Why did my S/O JUST DO what we had discussed previously I didn’t want anymore?”
“Why is he/she pressuring me to have sex, yet assuring me later that we can do it when I am ready?”

“WHAT DO I DO?”

Because no one will take you seriously when you share about your assault if it was done by your boyfriend or girlfriend/husband or wife. You are told you should have wanted it too if it makes your S/O happy.

Because people ask if you said no when it was happening even though you had previously agreed against it, yet it happened anyways. You are told it doesn’t count as a sexual assault if you didn’t say NO in the moment.

Because it really isn’t consent if it was guilted onto you. The manipulation of wanting to please your S/O yet wanting them to respect your wishes is a harder decision then it seems.

There are countless scenarios. Each important. Yet it is so significant because in reality there are only two types of sex: Consensual sex and rape. No more excusing sexual assaults in relationships. No more excusing assault PERIOD.

If you ever have to question whether or not what was done to you was done in consent, it wasn’t. Thats not love.

5. SILENT CONTROL MASQUERADING AS LOVE & CARE

Your loved one wanting to know where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing is COMPLETELY normal as any human being wants safety for the people they care about. What is not normal and a huge RED FLAG in a relationship is the overprotective and obsessiveness that can occur. Your S/O’s infatuation with every detail of your life that doesn’t involve them can easily be disguised as LOVE! Because you feel as if he/she cares so deeply for you and seems to want to know all about you, which in reality is extremely unhealthy. Now take it one step further. Your S/O knows all the details to a certain outing you have planned and now drops a few phrases that seem innocent in context but are important to look for. Although on their own these phrases are COMPLETELY fine for your significant other to say to you, it is when you see a pattern or it becomes often is when you need to reevaluate.

“I am home alone and would really love to be with you instead of you going out. I miss you.”

RED FLAG because: he/she already KNOWS you want to go out but decides to guilt you into being with them instead.

“I heard the place you are going to have had a few sexual assaults in the last month due to date rape drugs… are you sure you don’t just want to stay in?”

RED FLAG because: he/she is using a fear tactic to manipulate you to keep you from going out.

“You just told me that you wanted to lose weight and cut out drinking, so why are you going out when we can exercise at home instead?”

RED FLAG because: he/she is using your own words and possible insecurities to make you feel badly about going against your word.

I would always encourage you to do your own personal research on the difference between “loving concern” and “abusive control” because the two are very hard to decipher from one another!

Control in relationships is PROMINENT in today’s society as I said at the beginning of this post and is definitely a difficult subject to conquer because it shows different in each personal case. Even if the control comes from love, it is still NEVER healthy. It becomes easy to feel alone, cornered, or stuck and those are things no one should be feeling.

6. TIME ALONE CAN ONLY BE SPENT TOGETHER

Time apart from the person you are in a relationship with is a healthy thing. Of course there is always the stage of being in love when you want to spend EVERY MINUTE together. But soon some interest of being alone will spark and it is often a difficult phase of the connection you have with another person. If your loved one is independent then this stage may go smoothly and your personal hobbies/jobs/activities/extracurriculars are a breeze to have time for. BUT if your S/O is co-dependent then this part is often rocky yet natural. It is when you need to be detached for a short while and you get guilted into hanging out with your partner that it becomes dangerous. If you come to the point in your relationship that time alone with a book by yourself rather then reading with your significant other is more desirable one night instead the other person should RESPECT that. When you have work to do but know you can’t have a distraction but he/she continually convinces you otherwise it is time to take a step back and ask yourself:

Can my boyfriend or girlfriend/husband or wife be without me happily for hours at a time and are able to find there own activities. Essentially in terms “can he/she live without me?”.
Does my S/O have hobbies/activities/friends outside of this relationship?
Does he/she understand that I need personal space and time for myself and make time for themselves too without having to be told?
If I express my need for independence sometimes do they respect my wishes?
Do I have friends outside of this relationship that I can count on?

IF YOU ANSWERED NO to these questions it is a serious RED FLAG in a relationship. Space is SO critical to a healthy relationship so if you can’t even put the phone down for a couple of hours without your phone being blown up by your partner it would be time to take a step back. Understandably it is utterly difficult to realize the difference between a healthy amount of togetherness and an obsessive amount of togetherness. A relationship are two different souls joined in the middle not merged completely.

I have learned so much these past few years and having been in a long term relationship quite young I had to gain knowledge as I went. I want to encourage anyone reading this in a relationship who identifies with any of the above points to evaluate your current situation and add an indefinite amount of COMMUNICATION into some conversation with your S/O. These ideas are silent and are hard to understand because they are not often covered in any “characteristics or signs” of a mentally abusive relationships. I pray and hope anyone having a hard time in their relationship can see the signs. Because the allowance of such toxic behaviour will only allow someone to go to extreme lengths one day. In a sense each abusive action is a gateway to more severe maltreatment. Everyone makes mistakes, but it is when you notice a pattern of these things that I would recommend rethinking your relationship.

BECAUSE, you deserve everything good and fair the world has to offer.

“A person is unstoppable after they realize that they deserve better.”

Love, G.